So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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