u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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