i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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