Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
