Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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