I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
