she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
