We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
