I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I see more hoeing in ur future
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