She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
So squirting runs in the family.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
