My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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