my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
