I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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