He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Oh god it's open bar.
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