what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
