you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
only if we run a train.
done.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
