you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
