I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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