i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
