i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
