I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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