I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
