I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
