they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
