i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
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