this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
