I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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