he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Green mimosas i think yes
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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