I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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