Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
