she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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