I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
