do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
