Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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