so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
