doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
3 2 1 whiskey
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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