I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
