Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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