I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
