I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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