Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
