sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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