I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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