I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
