and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
