Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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