3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
