my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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