Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
