Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
