didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
